THE JEFF BEZOS / VENICE TRAIN WRECK ...AND WHY A MAN SHOULD NEVER WEAR A TUXEDO TO A WEDDING.

A message to mature billionaires and boy bride-grooms; This is a marriage. Not prom night. Or a Vegas ring-a-ding. Here's how to nail wedding trousers and neck wear when you walk down the aisle.

Jeff Bezos’ multi-million dollar Venice wedding to Lauren Sanchez; a LOT to unpack there…what with the weird foam party on the boat, the strange guest-list of non-friends, the looming threat of amassed inflatable crocodiles on the Grand Canal causing a last minute venue change etc. But let’s concentrate on the groom’s wardrobe.

The bride wore Dolce & Gabbana - a classic wedding dress. It was long and white and on the cover of Vogue. Husband-to-be Jeff, one of the world’s richest men, presumably with access to the finest of everything, including stylists, advisors and grooming experts, but clearly a total rube when it comes to cloth and detail, had the same Italian designers run him up a complementary matchy/matchy outfit also.

Specifically, a dinner suit. A ‘tux”, if you are American.

How did it look, Jeff’s swanky “designer” 50 million dollar wedding suit? Awful. Kinda cheap, actually. All that money, all that fuss in the D&G atelier, and his big day ‘fit didn’t actually fit properly; the shirt seemed shiny and possibly a poly-mix (and wasn’t a proper Marcella-fronted type either). The bow tie was a pre-tied, butterfly job on a strip of elastic, the waistcoat was the wrong cut (more business than evening) and you could see the outline of the Bezos mobile phone in the jacket pocket. If the shouty, American Cuban party rapper Pitbull was getting married (by a hotel pool in South Beach Miami) this is what he would have worn.

But here’s the main problem.

Black tie. A tuxedo. At a wedding. This is ALL wrong.

Even the most learned style watchers have no idea how the trend for dressing up like Frank and Dean heading out to the Vegas strip for a 2am ring-a-ding caught on as correct attire for the most significant, solemn and emotional moments of a man’s life - often in a church, during the day - but history leaves a trail of clues that hint at sartorial misunderstanding, commercial opportunism and ham-fisted, Trans-Atlantic in-appropriation.

The American thing for the wedding tuxedo - even the comparatively classy George Clooney wore one for his Venice wedding a couple of years back - probably started as a bowdlerisation of the British morning coat. First popularised for weddings during the Victorian era in the United Kingdom as a minimalist ripost to jazzy, gilded, bemedalled, military groom attire (hello, Prince Albert!) this knee-length, equestrian garment, worn by men riding their horses of a morning, was adapted for formal wear by curling back its coat fronts and fastening them to buttons in the small of the back (the buttons remain, unused now, for decorative purposes only). As most weddings were morning affairs, the morning coat style caught on.

Originally, men actually wore them as morning “suits” (with matching black trousers) but variations came into play - checked “spongebag” or “cashmere” striped trews, pale blue or dove grey waistcoats, a silk neck tie instead of an Ascot. One’s own choice of shirt. Lace-up shoes instead of boots. Men bowed to invitational codes and formalities but added their own bits and pieces.

Then in 1885, the tuxopocalypse - King Edward VII swapped his evening tailcoat for a blue silk smoking jacket (with matching slippers) signalling a radical relaxation of traditional dress codes. (Wild, our Ed, wasn’t he?). From this time on, the velvet smoking jacket bossed Edwardian Britain’s evenings. Le smoking became the default-setting formal clobber.

Without access to bonafide morning coats, or Prince Edward’s soft touch and louche wardrobe - the American tuxedo, usually black and silk-edged, readily available from the local hire shop and worn for night time dances, proms, state dinners and balls - seemed like a close enough relative. The “wedding tux” took off. And it was unstoppable.

Nowadays, every 21st century matrimonial in America - morning, afternoon or night - is a “black tie” event. Every nuptial on a Caribbean island, at a Bali hotel gussied up like a James Bond convention.

What happened, socially speaking? People now look at a wedding more as a celebration than a ceremony. They dress for the party, not the formal occasion. For the modern marriage shindig, the unwritten rule (i.e. one totally made-up by some clueless jock in Wisconsin) is that men should be appropriately dressed for the end of the occasion. Not its boring and fusty beginning bit. Yes, we may be starting at the dry and quiet chapel but we will finish up, shit-faced and hands-in-the-air, on the dance floor. Ergo, a Rat Pack dinner suit is more fancy-schmancy, fun and appropriate.

The British etiquette bible Debrett’s takes a less hedonistic approach, stating that the morning coat is correct for weddings taking place during the day, but should not be specified as the dress code for events starting past 6 p.m. After that WHITE tie takes over. (Don’t get me started on that).

This was true across England, Europe and America. In the 1956 wedding classic High Society, for instance, Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby and co. are in dinner suits for the pre-wedding cocktail event the night before (and for the storming rendition of “Did You Evah?”) changing into morning suits for the actual marriage ceremony…then slipping into white tie for the wedding dance. Which might be a bit much (and some serious excess baggage charges) for most people.

Should you happen not to be Austrian aristocracy or a presidential visitor to Buckingham Palace and not in possession of white tie and tails (which are different from morning coat tails btw) a well-cut lounge suit, maybe in a light coloured linen, will be just as elegant and (especially for the later life, second time groom) a bit more modern and relaxed. Brunello Cuccinelli or Maison Rubinacci would be perfect for this.

If only Bezos had got someone to do five minutes of research, and not listened to his wife, he could’ve stopped himself from looking like the oldest Prom King in Venice and saved his (unknown) guests a whole lot of dough down at the penguin suit hire shop.

With wedding season now in full swing, here are a few more rules for guy guests (and grooms) to consider.

1. Buttonhole. A simple, single stem with a flower. Ideally, should be a horticultural match for the bride’s bouquet but really, any small pink or red bloom is OK (within reason). Carnations and rose buds are nice but wildflowers are perhaps the chic-est. Absolutely no foliage, fernage or silver paper.

2. Shoes? No sneakers (no “dress” sneakers either). No Gucci Loafers. Oxford, Derby and Brogues are preferred. Black only. Socks are essential. This is not a time for bare ankle cleavage

3. Ideally, a morning suit you actually own (rather than one you have hired) is best. But if this is not possible keep the rental element to a minimum. With the hired coat, wear your own grey flannel trousers, a linen waistcoat in a yellowy-biscuit tone. A light blue shirt (with a white collar) and one of your best silk neck ties instead of the cheap, fire-risk extras they stuff in the package.

4. You are not part of a chorus line. Any attempts (often by the bride, it has to be said) at making the men - groom, ushers, immediate male family members etc - dress up in matching outfits should be shot down immediately. Adhere to form but rail against matchy-matchy conformity. Remember - the marriage may not last but those wedding photos are FOREVER. (Also, no Disney costumes. Exhibit one; Paul Gasgoine’s 1996 Cinderella wedding to Cheryl Failes.)

5. Neck area; no Ascots or wing collars. Or bow ties. A silk neck tie, perhaps silvery or houndstooth checked is perfect. Stay away from primaries and solids. A red tie screams “Donald Trump” …or “coach driver”. Ditto, white shirt.

6. Ignore all the above. If it says “black tie” (or “tuxedo) on the invitation you must absolutely wear black tie (or “tuxedo”). This is what the bride and groom are requesting for their big day, and you, in your snooty, square, Debrett’s-obedient haughtiness would be a total dick if you didn’t comply.