15 STORIES TO DINE OUT ON
How to eat out properly. Politely and correctly. With dignity and grace. Solo or with friends. (And how to split the bill without making a big thing of it).
Remember the notorious Balthazar incident of October 2022? When NYC restaurateur Keith McNally dubbed James Corden “the most abusive customer” in some 25 years of his experience, detailing reports of Corden (allegedly) yelling at his Balthazar staffers and demanding free cocktails after pointing out a hair the actor/chat show host had claimed to have found in his (already finished) food?
‘Get us another round of drinks this second,” Corden said. “And also take care of all of our drinks so far. This way I (won’t) write any nasty reviews in yelp or anything like that,”
Then, later, how Corden was enraged to find an all-yolk egg omelette ordered for his wife, actually containing “a little bit of egg white”? And how the re-made replacement version was served with fries instead of the stipulated salad, causing further Corden outburst. ‘You can’t do your job! Maybe I should go into the kitchen and cook the omelette myself!’
Now, your writer wasn’t one of Corden’s party during these exchange but I’m willing to bet the price of a bottle of house white that the friends around his Balthazar table that night were rump-clenchingly embarrassed by his starry, demanding, toys-thrown-from-stroller behaviour and had to endure a thoroughly rotten, atmosphere-laden night out as a consequence, too. A hissy-fitting, bad form tantrum that also got Corden banned from Balthazar, btw.
I refer to Balthazar because it is one of the best places in the world to watch a restaurant operating at peak performance. Where the waiting staff are some of the finest and most capable in the world - always busy, all day and night. Watching the Balthazar team turn over a table after a party has paid and left, and another is about to arrive, is a thing of balletic beauty, Fresh tablecloths, cutlery, napkins, condiment receptacles and glassware all arriving with deft Bob Fosse-esque choreography.
It’s the same at The Arlington, London restaurateur Jeremy King’s much lauded reboot of the Mayfair classic and Princess Di favourite Le Caprice - food as musical theatre, swinging atmosphere and impeccably slick, quasi clairvoyant levels of service.
Despite the alarming levels of pandemic-related restaurant insolvencies between 2020 and 2022, even with rents and food costs spiralling out of control and Brexit’s knock-on effects creating desperate staff shortages in kitchens, at front-of-house and around tables, Britain is still dining out at places in London SW1 and beyond.
A recent report conducted by Lumina intelligence predicted a year-on-year growth of almost 60% for the UK restaurant industry, from a £6.6 billion valuation to a staggering £17.8 billion - that’s more than double, almost triple portions, all round!
Even with per-head prices spiralling out of control - meals at the UK’s best restaurants have more than doubled since Brexit, from £100 a head to more than £200 according to the Hardens guide - Brits still eat out an average of 1.6 times a week, chowing down on the exotic, diverse and adventurous. London’s restaurant scene alone is said to offer 123 different types of cuisine (there are only 140 in the whole world).
We eat at silver service, Michelin-starred gaffs where over attentive sommeliers that deliver a centimetre of wine to your glass every two minutes and also slum it at street food trailers, hipster gastropubs, cafes and chains. We eat Chinese, Italian, French, Indian, Korean, Vietnamese and Japanese…and sometimes, very occasionally ‘British’.
We meet friends for long and liquid, Sunday lunches, book big tables for family get-togethers, snag a private room when there is a significant birthday. We speak fluent menu - confident in our pronunciation of quinoa and nduja (“keen-wa” , “en-do-ya”). We know all about freekeh, yuzu kosho and pangrattato and refrain from making off-colour jokes when someone enthuses about the hot and acquired taste of Shito (it’s a Ghanaian chilli oil). Eating out, once regarded as a treat; a formal, special occasion thing, a bit stiff and uptight, is now second nature to us. A national pastime even. Table for six, thursday? I’ll make the call.
Does all this mean that Brits are better diners, more proficient, accomplished and graceful at their tables, easier-going restaurantistas and happier eaters? Not a bit. We remain placement neophytes, awkward about glassware and cutlery choices. Addressing staff remains a tonal and semantic minefield. Even with learned advice from our American friends, we still don’t know how much we should tip. (Or exactly who or when we should tip).
What should we wear? And where should our mobile phones, coats, wallets and shopping bags go once we sit down? Is it ok to bring dogs, babies, kids…tinder dates? (Answers in order - yes, no, well-behaved ones - yes…and def no). And what do we talk about? Our careers? Our Children…our fabulous holidays, wonderful homes and consistent marital bliss?
When eating with family or workmates, an already set, tacitly understood set of rules and etiquette standards tends to be in place. With friends, however, it is different. Friends, and friends’ partners and friends of friends, nice and reasonable in their own kitchens and dining rooms, suddenly turn picky, bolshy, tricky, fussy, tardy, whiny, miserly…drunky, as soon as they sit down at Chez Poncy’s linen clothed table and unfold their napkin. So, here are some rules to follow, a few good manners to heed…some stories to dine out on…
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