WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT DANIEL CRAIG’S NEW HAIR
Is the ex-007's blonde, floppy side-part a fresh new look for a 56 year old. Or is he heading into the dreaded "Old Ladies' Hair" territory. (Or am I just a bit jealous) ?
Is there anything more annoying than a man in his fifties and sixties with a full head of hair? Yes, there is. A man in his fifties and sixties who wears his mop, cut in 1970s boy band style, fringe flopping over his face with expensive highlights glinting in the Ligurian sunshine as he arrives at his own film premier .
To all men of a similar vintage, such follicular exhibitionism is not fair, funny or fraternally gracious. Let’s call it hair-boating…the Flop Flex, maybe?
And yet here is Daniel Craig at the recent Venice film festival making the transition from vaporetto to red carpet with a full head of blonde, coupe savage, Hollywood hair, as tousled, teased and tinted as a 1990s Ann Widdecombe’s, or 1980s George Michael, fearless under the brutal force of Grand Canal wind backdraft - always a worry if you are Donald Trump - without a care in the world.
Why is this irritating? Craig’s K-pop style isn’t just a new look. It is a Bloke Baiting Barnet Brag. Every flick, histrionic hand rake and head toss, a cruelly intended power move. The style, colour and sheer density of hair like this on a man approaching his sixth decade can only be construed as a weaponsation tactic designed to belittle, induce envy and engender awe.
Craig’s aggressive hair strike cynically telegraphs to the rest of the world’s male midlifers a number of messages; my hair can still survive the potential indignity of a blustery motor boat ride and a battalion of flash-bulbing photographers. My hair is strong, thick and dense enough to undergo the brutality of the rubber highlights bonnet and hook-ended needle probe. My former crew-cut, now Samsonite hair is a symbol of my virility and global stardom. It is all mine. And it is better than (what’s left of) yours.
In other words…I win.
And the rest of us, ageing male civilians? We watch on with mild irritation and niggling covetousness, in quiet acknowledgement that more than his wealth, more than his success, multiple millions, beautiful wife, us men in our 50s and 60s are jealous of Daniel Craig….because of his hair.
Or….is the ex 007’s new Joanna Lumley / Purdey do actually a hair-don’t?
Yes, as Craig will be well aware, a full head of hair is a best life bonus. A get-down-on-your-knees-every-day-and-say-thank-you-god, stroke of luck and/or hereditary blessing for any man in his 40s 50s and 60s. But when the rev counter on the dials starts to wobble, the jowls drop, the eyes develop their own bags-for-life and the chicken neck begins to gobble, it is important that the curtains go with the furniture. That the pelmet is vaguely age-appropriate with the skirting boards. Hair and face of a similar vintage.
And the problem for Daniel Craig and similarly, lusciously locked Tom Cruise is this; with his choppy, blonde Nicky Clarke-alike tonsure, he looks less like James Bond and more like, well…an ex-Blue Peter presenter called Anthea Turner. Or Clare Balding. Or Emma Thompson. Or Therese Bazaar from Dollar.
Done right, in a style that cannot be given a name - see Clooney’s grey, Cary Grant-esque side part and back sweep, Brad Pitt’s country and western bed head - forty/fifty/sixtysomething hair will frame the face, boost confidence, look good with clothes and open doors.
Get it wrong - wear hair that is far too young for your face, flopping down over the eye, blonde-frosted and styled like one of the S-Club girls’ - and you will achieve something undignified and comedic; a style known across the music and entertainment industry as…OLD LADIES HAIR.
Boris Johnson’s straw-textured bowl cut is classic old ladies hair. Def Leppard’s Joe Elliot, now rocking a grey bob and blowsy Steve Bannon, both apparently coiffed by the same salon as favoured by Cissie and Ada from the Les Dawson show.
If he’s not careful Liam Gallagher’s feather cut will be in Old Ladies Hair space in a few years time. Rod Stewart has been there for decades, boasting in his excellent biography, “Rod” that he had kept the same spiky, mullet-ish do “for 45 years” (55 now) "It's what I have in common with the Queen", he said. Which was great and mod and yobbotatstic when he was in his 20s but these days, now 79 and wearing gold buttons and fancy shoes and leopardskin collars with his carefully Elnetted tresses, Rod actually looks quite a lot like the Queen as well.
Perhaps these are words of a delicately-thatched, jealous guy. Past a certain age, a man spends far too much time in vanity war-fare, gauging himself against other men in terms of achievement, wealth, house size, girth, health, virlity and, yes, hair density. We’ve moved with the times, though, learned to respect not ridicule our fellow who spend money, take drugs and make sacrifices to hang on to / augment and improve their thatch.
With care, judgement and investment, a head of dignified, seventh decade hair is a mission very possible. Even your writer imbibes oral finasteride daily and applies an occasional topical Minoxidil treatment, both now de-stigmatised along with the likes of viagra, marijuana and Ozempic. The fashion for hair transplant holidays to Turkey is a summertime normal, and no one can argue that James Nesbit now looks much more handsome since the top of his head had a bit of work. As Daniel Craig knows, the man who dies with the most hair…wins.