MISSED BELT LOOPS, BOTCHED BUTTONS AND OTHER BANANA SKINS*

14 x WAYS THAT TELL THE WORLD A MAN IS “GETTING ON A BIT” (AND HOW HE CAN AVOID THEM) *warning...you might need your smartphone torch switched on to read this

     I took my trousers off the other evening, laid them on a chair by the bed and clocked a small detail that filled me with dismay, sadness and shame. 

When I’d put on the trousers that same morning and quickly threaded a belt around the waist, I’d somehow skipped one of the loops at the back.  So, for the whole day, a section of brown leather strap had been hanging unfettered and high from its intended position, probably riding up over my flannel pants’ waistband, digging into my shirt and creating an ugly pinch bulge.  Maybe baring some puffy flank flesh in the process.  Worse still, I hadn’t noticed….but other people?  Oh definitely. 

Any one seeing this accessory x garment misalignment would have doubtlessly interpreted it as a signal of imminent, cognitive and sartorial decline.  A cry for help and a sure-fire indication of early on-set dementia. What would be next? Dribbles down my chin? Food deposits on my shirt? Jacket buttons mis-configured? Spectacles repaired by strips of Elastoplast?    

Or perhaps there was nothing to worry about. Vanity and wardrobe (and tech) mishaps can occur at any age. Skipped belt loops, odd socks and wayward, ocular/nasal tonsures become a thing as soon as one leaves mother’s jurisdiction and enters early adulthood. Once, during my early thirties, I found myself running late for a party and rushing to make time, I had grabbed the nearest pair of loafers available…only to discover -  en route, in the taxi - that the shoes were odd. One Church the other, Crockett and Jones. Slightly different shades of brown too.  Inevitably, someone at the event did notice. I think I managed to style it out.

Had the same footwear mis-step happened some 25 years…perhaps a little more…concern.   Here are some more tell-tell signs - from the wardrobe, bathroom, tech, social and behavioural categories - that might suggest a man’s “best before” date is fast encroaching and his dribble days are imminent.   

   

 HE WEARS “PROPER” SHOES

Leather brogues, Oxfords. Lace up boots. This footwear is the almost exclusive choice of men older than 50. Look around you. Pretty much the whole world is soft-shod by Nike, Adidas and Puma. Those formal trainers - brown and black leather sneakers with white soles, will soon be old people quarry also. 

HIS EYEBROWS AND EAR WIGS ARE LIKE TRIFFIDS

Eyebrows can be threaded and trimmed. A DIY wax job on ear and nose hair is easy, cheap and not so painful and will take years off a man. Tell him this.

HE FAILS TO UNDERSTAND / ACCEPT / ENTERTAIN THE IDEA / CULTURE / ETIQUETTE OF “QUEUING”

Millennials are happy to queue for pretty anything. They obediently stand in line outside clothes shops (Supreme, Palace etc) and brunch spots and restaurants and night-clubs, staring at their phones (obvs) to pass the time, quietly waiting until some oaf on the door with a walkie-talkie and a clip board deigns to wave them in. A long queue (or “line” as the Americans will have it) is a gold-stamped endorsement of quality, hipness and potent instagram content beyond the threshold and well worth wasting an hour of one’s life for.   

     Anyone past the age of say, 45, just DOES NOT GET THIS.  I have to queue and wait all morning, to buy a t-shirt?  Get in line for coffee and a toasted bagel?  Not. Doing. It.  (Calling it a “Walkie Talkie” is old man speak also…and no one under 50 knows what a “clipboard” is either). 

HE ASKS FOR “A COFFEE” 

Only old people still think of “coffee” as a nice hot drink you order either black or “with milk”.  Coffee is not a beverage in and of itself but actually a genre -  a liquid universe, even.  Specificity is key to its understanding.  So, you drink “latte”, “cortado”, “flat white” etc. Oh and the “milk” bit? That’s ageing too. No one under 40 drinks dairy anymore.

HE CALLS FEMALE STRANGERS “DARLING” “LOVE” OR “SWEETHEART” 

Older men (me, for instance) think this is cute, endearing and harmless. Young people think it’s creepy and cheugy and it gives them “the ick”.   They might even report you for it. Or have you cancelled via social media. 

HE TAKES BATHS 

Aside from hot tubs and jacuzzis and ice baths, no one, except for pensioners and sheep, voluntarily submerges themselves in dirty tap water anymore.  Most new-build properties don’t even have baths in their bathrooms. Which are called “wet rooms”  now.

HE MISSES BELT LOOPS ON HIS PANTS AND SOMETIMES MESSES UP SHIRT BUTTONS 

Young people prefer elasticated waistbands to proper trousers with belt loops anyway, so this is rarely a problem. For the young, putting the wrong button through an un-corresponding button hole might create a modishly, asymmetrical look on one’s jacket…on an older man it semaphores a desperate cry for help.

HE ACTUALLY USES THE DOORBELL TO INDICATE HIS ARRIVAL

A doorbell is for the postman and old men only. On arrival at a friend’s home or an office, a millennial will send an “I’m Here” (or just “Here!”) Whatsapp and then wait to be buzzed in.  Even the Amazon man and the Just Eat delivery guy does this.  

THE PHONE IS USED TO MAKE PHONE CALLS 

Aural communication, actually speaking to people via one’s smartphone, is strictly for old people. To the young, one’s iPhone audibly ringing* means bad news - a cold calling scammer, a robot salesperson, someone chasing payment, maybe even a terrible emergency. A death, probably. If you need to speak, you fire off a warning text before you dial. Only old people and needy parents call “out of the blue”.   Similarly, leaving voice messages and expecting them to be listened to is a grey and decrepit move.   *only old people have their ringers turned on.   

HE GETS  A SUDDEN THING FOR THE “NON COLOURS”

from the non-colour spectrum; peach, sad yellow, “teal”, burgundy, lilac. salmon pink etc. as favoured by presenters on Antiques-based TV shows. Much cheerier than boring grey, navy and black! (Much more ageing too).  

HE USES THE “CALL ME” FINGERS GESTURE

deploying the thumb as the earpiece, little finger as the mouthpiece, the palm’s clenched fist in the role of handset body. To the boomers, this is the international gesture for “telephone” and a friendly “call me!” request. Not any more. Do this to a teen and it’ll wonder why you have your “hang loose” shaka fingers clamped to your face.  The new phone mime is the flat of one’s hand resting against the ear. (Digital natives, who have grown up with smartphones have developed the thumb as the primary digit. Both are used for lightning-speed texting while the single thumb is for stuff like flicking light switches.)         

    HE ASKS FOR THE MENU

There probably isn’t one anyway. Anyone under sixty will have already scanned the QR code at the table and ordered dinner straight off their phone. “Pre-paid” for it too.  If a hard copy menu does come, a man can age himself even further/older by using the phone’s torch function to read it. And then leave said torch on for the rest of the dinner. This will provide a chance to tell the table that very funny story about that time the phone was dropped in the car’s footwell and it was searched for… by using the torch light on your phone 

HE HAS AN INSISTENCE ON “PRINTING THINGS OUT” 

Especially documents like boarding passes and concert tickets (And then filing them in large plastic sleeves to take to the airport).  Old people much prefer paper to apps and emails - more physical, presentable and official.  If you work in an office that has a large printer in the middle of its “work stations” (only old people call them “desks”) it will remain unused for weeks on end.  And even less people will know how to use it. At the Xmas party, someone might gamely suggest that the traditional prank of Xeroxing a bare arse might be fun but after an hour of trying to get a code and punching the Canon’s keypad, they will give up.  Own a home office printer and you are in grandad territory. (What’s that? He also has a shredder,..?) 

HE HAS A DRIVING LICENCE 

Nobody has a car anymore or knows how to drive. Ever heard of Uber, gramps? 

WINDING DOWN THE WINDOW AND ASKING OTHER PEOPLE FOR DIRECTIONS

Only old people do this because everyone else is well aware that literally no one knows where anything is anymore. A person living in one village will have no idea how to get to the neighbouring one and will also not know its name. Someone living on one street will have no knowledge of the next one down  And, even if they did,.they wouldn’t know how to give directions to it…without looking at Google maps on their phone.